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Routine failed, AGAIN, so starting over for the 6th time

Unfortunately, I tend to update CSS rather than writing anything new.

By Satyam Ghimire | Date:

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It was in June of 2023 I uploaded this site to the internet. I thought it would improve my writing habit. Anyway, not going to repeat the about page here. The thing is, I failed. I procrastinated too much. I couldn't beat it. The number of times this site has gone through redesigning is higher than the number of pieces I have written here since that June. Yeah, this stupid, ugly design is a result of that many iterations.

I am going to change. I want nothing more than people reading what I write. I want to contribute, and the only way to do so is by writing. I am also going to create YouTube videos, speak infront of a camera. I am going to start again, this time with less lazyness, with less fear. There are many disguises of fear of failure, and I am going to identify them and not let them hypnotize me. Even this article was written on April 11, 2026 and I wanted to upload it that night, but 17 days have already passed. I had forgotten about it. Was I busy? No. I am just bad.

This shouldn't even be a post by my original standards, but the rules are changing. No more framework. No more structure (if there ever was). It has me a long time to realize that mistakes are required in art and expression. I hope I don't forget this.

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Desire to not exist and its violent solution

The desire to not exist increases as the time of existence increases.

By Satyam Ghimire || Date: 2024 March 19

Stańczyk, by Jan Matejko

In his book 1Q84, Haruki Murakami writes that everyone, deep in their hearts, is waiting for the end of the world to come. Well, I don't know about everyone, but I certainly am waiting for it. Desire to not exist is not the desire to kill oneself, not even some version of "I will not initiate it myself, but if something that is quick and painless is to come, then I am happy about it." But the wish of never having been born in the first place. To go to sleep and not wake up, not “not wake up” as if you died in your sleep, but wishing that there was no night in which you went to sleep in order to wake up. Desire to simply get plucked out of existence. The only realistic solution for such violent desire is the end of the world. Though the former means not existing and all other people not noticing your absence. And the latter means eliminating all observers.

But both events make the desire come true, though the cost and method is obviously different. Now this mentality, that if I hadn’t been born, then I wouldn’t have suffered, isn't new. Some say it’s a sign of a victim mindset, of cowardice, of selfishness. And so is the wait for the end of the world. When we are wishing for these events, we are not taking everyone’s lives into account. This day, no matter how bad for us, is the best day of their life for millions of people. And thousands of them are going to speak, literally in their language, these words. ...continue reading...

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Routine failed, AGAIN, so starting over for the 6th time

Unfortunately, I tend to update CSS rather than writing anything new.

Date: 2026 April 11

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Best time for the world to end (just in case)

It shouldn't make a difference to the Universe in sending an asteroid, or increasing the pride of some leaders, when you are 80, instead of doing it when you were 5.

Date: 2025 June 28

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Pom Poko - One Last Glimpse Into The Past

The scene also reminds me of a quote by F. Scott Fitzgerald, "The loneliest moment in someone's life is when they are watching their world fall apart and all they can do is stare blankly." Tanuki are alone. And they can only stare.

Date: 2024 April 30

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You Know What, Don't be Motivated. Keep Wasting Your Time.

Did you know that James Cameron got his idea about “The Terminator” in his dreams, while he was sleeping? You better keep sleeping.

By Satyam Ghimire || Date: 2023 July 17

a woman sleeping

Even if this is true, that Thomas Alba Edison really failed over one thousand times while creating a light bulb, then it must have been in the year 1878. He had a lot of money already. According to his Wikipedia page, he was offered $10,000 for his quadruplex telegraph in the year 1874 (adjusted for inflation in 2023: $266,778.07). It wouldn’t be wrong to say he had around at minimum the equivalent of the present $500,000 in 1878. Nothing much was at stake for him. But for you, it's different. It's not just like a hard video game mission that you can retry over a thousand times like him and get the same amount of dopamine each time. There is just a loose thread holding you, and the more you fail, the more it weakens. So in a way, it seems like you were just made to fail.

Otherwise, things would’ve been different. Like, for example, it’s not 1997. No one will read what you wrote now in 2023. Who reads children’s books nowadays, or any book from a new author? There are movies and series, youtube, and content that’s free and easy—and better. Plus, with the rise of AI tools like ChatGPT, a machine can create brilliantly than you. You do understand this metaphor and how it’s supposed to work, how it's supposed to open your eyes and motivate you, but it’s not working. It’s different. Really. No one can understand you, because they’ve never been in your place. ...continue reading...

Forrest Gump sitting on a bench
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Forrest Gump Doesn't Deserve The Hate

I guess most people hate it because it got the best of both worlds: won several Oscars and made a lot of money. And in the same year, The Shawshank Redemption and Pulp Fiction were also released.

By Satyam Ghimire | Date: 2024 September 29

Also available as a YouTube video.